EXT: TOSCHE STATION CONVENIENCE STORE (Sign in window reads “POWER CONVERTERS 50% OFF”)
INT: Bored LUKE SKYWALKER hunches over checkout counter, absentmindedly flips through an issue of Luscious Landspeeders & Tantalizing Twi’leks.
A bell above the door tinkles, and LUKE looks up. Standing in the doorway, black cape flowing, is DARTH VADER.
VADER: Luke.
LUKE (focused, eyes narrowed): I knew this day would come. (LUKE reaches under the counter, comes up with a lightsaber hilt. He vaults over the counter, activates the lightsaber, assumes a swordfighting stance)
VADER (puts up a hand): No, no, you misunderstand.
LUKE raises an eyebrow.
VADER: We need to talk about…your future.
LUKE: I’ll never join you, I’ll never turn to the dark side!
VADER: That old chestnut. (VADER shakes his head) No, Luke, we need to talk about your “career.” (VADER makes air quotes with fingers)
LUKE (deactivates lightsaber, crosses his arms): Not this again.
VADER: You’re such a talented young man, Luke. Why are you wasting your time in this (VADER gestures to the racks of mass-produced fruit pies, the cooler full of bottles of blue milk and Bantha Brew, the Jawa Java coffee maker)…place?
LUKE: Dad, we’ve talked about this. I’m only working here until my band starts getting some regular gigs. (LUKE rips a flyer off the wall, holds it out) Look, me and the guys are opening for the Max Rebo Band this weekend! At Jabba’s Palace!
VADER: First of all, son, it’s ”the guys and I.” Any self-respecting Sith Lord or Jedi Master knows the difference.
LUKE scoffs, rolls his eyes.
VADER: Secondly, entertaining a two-bit gangster is hardly something to brag about. Not to mention that Jabba will feed you to his Rancor if you bomb.
LUKE (surprised): Really?
VADER: Of course! Maybe if you studied the Force some more, you would be able to sense forthcoming dangers.
LUKE: For the millionth time, Dad, I’m not going to the dark side.
VADER: Pfft! At this point I’d settle for the good side. Anything is better than (VADER gestures to his surroundings) this.
LUKE: You know what? I’m outta here. I’m gonna go to Tosche Station to—
VADER: You already are at Tosche Station.
LUKE: Fine, then I’m gonna go visit Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru.
VADER: They’re dead.
LUKE: Oh my god, whatever! I’m just gonna go cruise the Jundland Wastes then. Alone!
VADER: Sure you want to do that? The Jundland Wastes are not to be traveled lightly. They’re full of Sand People. You know that.
LUKE (exasperated, fuming, arms held out at his sides): See? That’s what I’m talking about. You’re so out of touch, man! They prefer to be called Tusken Raiders. Know what you are? (LUKE narrows his eyes, points at VADER) You’re Tuskenist!
VADER: What? No, I’m not. Some of my best friends are Sand Peop, uh, I mean, Tusken Raiders.
LUKE: Didn’t you slaughter a whole bunch of Tusken Raiders when you were my age?
VADER (silent for a few moments): That’s, um, not really. I mean, it was a different time and uh. (VADER waves his hands) That’s not important. (VADER wags a finger) Now, Obi-Wan Kenobi, he was a Tuskenist.
LUKE (emphatically): Ben was a great man.
VADER: You think Obi-Wan would approve of this lifestyle?
LUKE: He’d tell me to reach out with my feelings. And my feelings tell me to rock!
VADER (shaking his head, mumbling to himself): So willful. Just like Padme.
LUKE: What?
VADER: Nothing.
LUKE: Look, it’s my life, and I’ll live it how I want. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to restock the blue milk.
VADER (shoulders hunched, resigned): Fine. (VADER waves a hand) You will be home for dinner, though.
LUKE: (sarcastically, also waving a hand) I will be home for dinner if we don’t have tuna casserole. Again.
VADER (sighing): I’m making chicken parm, actually.
LUKE: Fine.
VADER nods, exits the store.
EXT. TOSCHE STATION CONVENIENCE STORE
VADER shakes his head, stares out at the dunes, a small group of a womp rats sniping at each other. OBI-WAN KENOBI’S ghost materializes, leans an elbow on VADER’S shoulder.
OBI-WAN: Kids, am I right?
VADER: Was I the same way when you trained me?
OBI-WAN: He hasn’t killed you, so, no, you weren’t the same way. Dummy.
VADER: I can’t win.
OBI-WAN: The dark side never does. (He claps VADER on the shoulder) C’mon, let’s go to Mos Eisley, cut off some ruffian’s arm.
VADER and OBI-WAN walk off into the desert, the twin suns of Tattooine hovering just above the horizon.
END